


If I Don't Go to Hell When I Die I Might Go to Heaven

by alllula



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: 2nd person POV, Alternate Universe, Angst?, Multi, No beta we publish like men, Suspense, i'll add to this when i figure out what I'm doing, idk how to tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-05 17:36:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10313501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alllula/pseuds/alllula
Summary: Your name is Magnus Burnsides and the world feels wrong. Towering buildings made of steel and glass, metal boxes zooming by at high speeds, explosions that can level cities in milliseconds, and impossibly heavy things that can somehow soar through the air are all everyday occurrences, but when you look at the sky you see the wrong number of moons and you feel like something big is missing.





	1. Up on a cliff, doing the dance

Your name is Magnus Burnsides and you have two goofy best friends, a gorgeous goldfish, and a wonderful large dog. You’ve had a happy life, but it's always felt wrong. 

Towering buildings made of steel and glass, metal boxes zooming by at high speeds, explosions that can level cities in milliseconds, and impossibly heavy things that can somehow soar through the air. 

It’s all natural, it's been here all your life, but it feels so wrong sometimes. You never voice these thoughts of course. They would think you crazy, probably even Merle and Taako, even though you’ve known each other forever. There's something inside that tells you to tell no one. To keep your mouth shut to keep yourself safe. 

That someone else knows about you and wants to hurt you. 

You don’t know why. If you think about too much these thoughts turn to static and make your mind fuzzy and make you want to pull your brain out of your ears just to make it stop. 

But life goes on. You work your blue collar job in carpentry, you care for your goldfish, Steven, and your dog, Julia. You spend time with Taako and Merle and keep your mouth shut and live your life in silence. 

You get up on a fine Saturday morning with the sun shining on you and a dog licking your face. It feels like a regular day, other than a slight chill running across your forearms. You make yourself a simple breakfast alone in your apartment. 

You meet Taako and Merle later for lunch. You're walking together away from the small restaurant, and Taako is enthusiastically describing what had happened last night while he was working as a chef, when you realize there's no one around anymore. The sidewalks which were littered with people are ominously empty, and all the shops are closed up. The wind blows ominously and it feels almost darker in this alley, the chill from this morning creeps up your arms. You look over at Merle and Taako and they seem to be feeling it too. 

“Hey, you guys I think we should go back, I think this alley is closed.” drawls Taako casually, but a glance at his face shows that he’s more worried than he’s letting on. His long hair is being blown out of place. Merle looks nervous as well, and about thirty feet away a giant portal open. An honest to god portal, like this is some kind of video game. 

Out of the portal come two dark figures, almost the shape of cats, but much, much larger. They’re about 5 feet tall, taller than Merle, and very long. They're sleek, blue black and catlike, like panthers, but they have six legs like an insect, and two tentacles sprout from their shoulders with pads at their ends spiked with teeth like protrusions. 

“What the shit.” says Merle, and you couldn’t agree more. The large beats growl and begin to circle the three of you. 

Taako looks scared out of his mind, like he wants to run and live another day, but he’s afraid any movement will alert these beasts to attack. He’s breathing heavy, borderline hyperventilating when he pulls an umbrella out of literally nowhere and points it at the creatures, he looks terrified as he screams, 

“Evard’s black tentacles!” he shouts, and from the ground erupt black tentacles, wrapping the beasts up and restraining them. You and Merle look over at Taako who looks to be on the edge of a mental breakdown. 

Merle backs away from the mass of tentacles ensnaring the two beasts, eyes wide. 

Your ears are ringing loudly with a sound that doesn’t exist physically. You feel like you’re on the edge of a cliff, adrenaline and fear charging within you. 

Something whispers to you.

Crush the gem.

‘The gem?’ 

Crush the gem in your pocket. 

‘Theres a gem in my pocket?’ 

Break it and say these words, Magnus Burnsides,

You slip a blue gem out of your pocket and say

“Flaming poisoning raging sword of doom!” and a large sword appears in your hands, wreathed in flames that don't scald your hands, and an ominous poison leaks from the blade. 

What. the. Shit.


	2. There's something that I'm missing, (Maybe my head, for one)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus rushes in. Merle actually heals someone. Taako has some thoughts.

You summon the sword and rush in. You don’t remember using it, but it feels familiar in your hands, and you run up to the two beasts struggling in the tentacles. You swing the sword with all your strength, slicing the tentacles, and one of the beasts like butter. The cut tentacles limply fall to the ground and the beast on the left lets out an agonizing sound as it goes limp and perishes. The other beast manages to slip free and charges towards you, growling and taking a large bite into your side. 

The thin t-shirt you're wearing doesn’t offer much protection, and it’s teeth sink into your torso and you let out a scream of pain. Blood leaks from your wounds, and you feel faint. 

You blink and you're no longer in your body. Almost in slow motion you see yourself fall from the creature’s mouth, you watch Taako’s eyes widen and him let out a scream as he does something with that umbrella of his that gets rid of the last beast. You see Merle rush toward you, concern painted on his face. 

You look down at your own spectral form and you see honest to god armor on your body, with a bright red robe draped over it. 

Then Merle does- does something and you find yourself yanked back into your body with your wounds closed and blood coating your shirt. 

“Magnus! Magnus are you with us?” Merle asks his hands gripping onto your shoulders tightly. Taako looks more disheveled than you've ever remembered seeing him. He joins Merle at your side, setting down his umbrella gingerly. 

Your eyes focus again, and you look at Merle and he instantly seems relieved. You glance back to the portal, and notice that it appears to be vanishing, with blue smoke whisping from it as it dissipates. 

“What just happened?” You ask Merle, as if he might have a notion as to what the fuck is happening. He snorts.

“Listen, you tell me kid.” And Merle who always seems so put together looks lost. Taako seems to have registered that you're alright, and is now staring at his umbrella like it's an atomic bomb. For all you know it might fall into the same category of ‘weapon of mass destruction’. 

“I've updated the list of things I know for sure and people I trust to nothing and no one.” Taako declares. “We should get out of here.” He says.

“But Magnus is covered in blood!” Merle protests. 

“Do either of you have a spare?” You ask, and Taako starts looking in his bag, and pulls out a jacket. It isn't exactly your size or style, but you pull it on, and it covers most of the blood, making you feel significantly less conspicuous. The sword gets put in Taako’s bag which hardly disguises it but luckily enough no one seems to be around. 

The three of you head to Taako’s place, which is always an interesting combination on messy and organized. Random objects are haphazardly laying on almost every surface, but the floors are clean, and the kitchen is oddly always spotless. 

You're sitting at Taako’s dining table, while Merle is lazily resting on Taako’s couch while Taako himself is in the kitchen grabbing some drinks for you and Merle. When he returns he places Merle’s drink on the coffee table and places yours on the table in front of you and takes his seat at the dining table near you. The sword lays a respectable distance from the three of you. 

"I would just like to say that I had always assumed I was just crazy, not that it was real." Taako proclaimed. "I just pretended like I was sane, 'Oh Taako’s good out here!' So I wouldn't get locked in the fucking loony bin, but noooo" Taako dragged it out, sarcastically as he could, "It had to be real, which is by far the worse option." 

Taako leaned back in his seat and took a long drink from his glass. You feel rather uncomfortable, as you had never voiced these thoughts, but hesitantly you ask, 

"Do you ever look at the sky and feel like it's wrong?" 

Merle pipes up for the first time in a while, 

"All the damn time." He says. 

"Or like you're being watched?" You ask again.

"Definitely, my dude." Taako agreed. 

You sigh. "Then it seems we're all in this together." 

Merle snorts quietly and mouths the words. 

You feel that feeling in your stomach, heavy nervousness and apprehension, warning you to keep your mouth shut. 

But when did you ever listen to warnings?

"When that thing, whatever it was, bit me, I kind of fell out of my body." You say, looking down into your drink, not wanting to look your two friends in the eye. 

"Well it's not like that’s the craziest thing to have happened today." Merle says. 

"I was able to look at my own body from above, and, I was wearing this bright red robe." 

Saying the words out loud make it feel more real, and the static in your head appears again. 

Taako shifts in his seat. "Have any of you ever like, let your mind wander and you feel like there are things you should know, but for some reason just can't?" 

"How long have we known each other?" Asks Merle.

Static.

"When did we meet?" 

Static.

"Where are we from?"   
"Who is Julia?"  
"What's wrong with the sky?"   
"How did we end up like this?" 

"What's happening to the world?"

The only answer any of you receive is static.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No betas we publish like men.
> 
> Hmu on tumblr, @alllula

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to leave a comment, which I will definitely read, though may not respond to due to anxiety.


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